That roll, I closed by twisting the ends so it resembled a candy. Beautiful as well!!! I received two other gifts as well. A poem very touching! I hope the people I got them from, will know how much I appreciated the gifts and them.
I started thinking about the cat Stick My Feelings - Various - For Real Gabbers Only! (CD) the leaf. What does the cat stand for? I would have expected that I would see a weasel or ferret. As that is the animal I can identify easiest with. Small, sneaky and hiding… Or an eagle or panther or so… because I want to be free, powerful… So why a cat? But then again: A cat is gracefull and sensual. But can be a fierce warrior when needed to be. It can quietly doze in the presence of others but needs time of its own as well… It can be gentle and nuzzle up to people it likes.
But it can claw too… Maybe the cat symbolises the duality in myself again? And the leaf? I have absolutely no idea what the leaf means… Anyone an idea? I never heard of the band so it must be coincidence. You came along, you pulled me up when I was down The way you make me feel just took me by surprise You took my hand, you held my heart, you beared my fire When you moved with me you gave me back my life.
Let the spirit move me Let the spirit move me. Let your spirit move me Let your spirit move me. Tags: angelanimalanonbeautycoleridgedancedualityfeelingsguardianguideLenoremeditationpoetryspirittotemtrancetrancedancevideovisualisationxena Posted in feelingsLyricspoetrypsychologytrance dancevideo 2 Comments ».
This class would be around disco. Just 2 days between this class and the previous and I had to get some Angel Game gifts as well….
Anyway: we arrived at the location. Lenore and me made sure we were last to arrive because we had a little surprise. Together with all of the participants we raised some money to buy out teacher a new boombox. Normally we would have given it last lesson already, but the mail company was a bit slow. It took a while before we found something affordable but still quality material but we managed. We hid the boombox in the car, filled in a questionnaire and went to the dancing room downstairs.
So he came in with the boombox. The teacher was stupefied! So after some resetting the internal buttons, the class could begin! During this session of body-tapping the feeling of being powerful came back. God, I feel great during this song. Nothing can hurt me; I can take on the entire world if necessary. Last lesson we stopped at the woman fighting back the men. So during this class we added these movements:.
The topic of this class was disco music. We got an explanation about the evolution of music. But only superficial; without depth. We began by learning the way disco-moves were designed. I teamed up with Lenore. And for expressing the fight we actually used parts from maculele, the machete-dance-fight in Capoeira… hehehe people were impressed by it.
After this we started dancing real disco. I mean, I like to listen to it. The teacher whispered in my ear that she knew why I sucked at disco-swing. Guardian Angel Game. After the class we received our gifts. From my Guardian Angel I received a scented candle. Simple but beautiful and a very nice smell. For my Angel I had to design something around romance.
And wow! Some people have received stupid or plain wrong gifts. I can truly say that NONE of my gifts was wrong, superficial or off-the-point. After the class Lenore and I went straight home. I text-messaged a while with the teacher. Because for the next class we have to find ourselves a song that represents our own essence.
I think we will have to dance it while the rest will have to guess what feelings we have with it. And there lays one of the problems. My TRUE song shows my hidden side and has deep meaning.
Other songs that deeply describe my feelings are about the situation with Lenore. So I decided to use my true song: the song by Zornik see here. In short, the lyrics are about how the others are scared by him and are looking only for fear and hurt.
They appear to be scared by the unknown, but in fact they are frightened by their own feelings… The teacher said it might be a good opportunity to come out of the closet entirely. I also had a conversation with Sage about my cross-dressing and the reason why I do it. Tags: angelcross-dresscross-dressercross-dressingdancediscodisco-swingdiscoswinggamegiftguardiansurprisetrancetrancedancetransvestite Posted in crossdressingfeelingspsychologytrance dance Leave a Comment ».
For this session we needed to bring an emotion-loaded object. At first I was thinking about a remembrance card of a lost friend see here But both the teacher and Lenore pointed out that this session would be around anger and frustrations.
So I thought of what created or has created frustrations inside of me. And frankly: I could think of only 1 thing: The painful remarks Lenore always makes towards me.
But that used to be really different. And as I thought of it, I had to think about all the accusations she made in a mail when we were negotiating about the price for the house. See here So I printed out the mail and took it with me. Lenore was thinking about taking MY high heels with her. My cross-dressing still is a source of frustration for her. That way she could still work with the frustration without using my stuff. Lenore feels she was being humiliated there because my parents and my nephew ignored her.
But Then again: My parents had to sit at another table that was arranged beforehand and my nephew had too much to think about it was his wedding after all. No-one else at the party knew about our problems. So I really do not think anyone has humiliated her on purpose. But then again: if Lenore feels frustrated because of it, she was right to take the remembrance gift with her.
In the car driving towards the lesson Lenore asked me what I was taking. So I told her that I brought a mail. I am sure Lenore feels hurt that I even dared to use something about her as a source of frustrations.
When she feels frustrated it seems to be OK to lash out at everyone else. But other people are not allowed to lash out at her or do something that can be interpreted that way. I have noticed that her painful remarks did not bother me anymore. More of the gifts at the end of this post…. Body tap. We started the body tap as our warm-up of this session. This session my mind was wandering a bit too much to keep my thoughts with the song.
So the feeling I had today on the body-tap was less than with the body-tap session see here. The wall. A breakdown of the moves the new ones in italic :. So the whole idea of the song is at this moment: at first we build an internal wall and block our real feelings.
Because of that we walk around like robots and men start to dominate women. They control them. Own them. But then women start waking up and realize something is wrong. They reclaim their lives. And yes, it really starts to feel like an entire performance dance…. We started the intensification part Stick My Feelings - Various - For Real Gabbers Only!
(CD) firebreathing. That is done by breathing in a specific manner on a rhythm of 4. On the first count breath in deeply. On the second, third and fourth count breath out with strong, forceful blows.
It is a way of controlled hyperventilation. It pumps more and more oxygen into your brains. That way, your brains get excited more than normal and your rational thinking will diminish. After that we had to lay down blindfolded with our object in our left hand emotional side and recall the strong frustration it invoked. We had to find one single word that would summarize all of the frustration due to the object. I know the mail was only about the house-issue but during the intensification part I was thinking about all of the painful remarks Lenore makes.
All the accusations that are launched in my direction. By accusing me of all the things I did do according to her, of not giving her anything, of keeping everything for myself, of only thinking of myself, of playing dirty games, that was the only word which came into my mind.
All the material things you needed and I could give you, all the freedom you needed and searched for, all the support you desperately needed, etc. I gave up my own dreams so you could chase yours. Hehehe, easy if it already manifested itself. In fact, the reply came before the one-word-summary. After we had our frustrations focused we had to stand up and start to dance that feeling on trance music. The repeated movements there bring you in a trance-like state hence the name so we could focus on the frustration and the reply intensely.
By this time the paper I was holding was already crushed and squeezed in my fist. And the feeling inside me shifted from frustration to casting off to feeling in control again, powerful. At this moment I stood there with my fists next to my body as if I was standing in a storm but facing it head-on. By this time I was sweating like an ox, so I could physically feel the drips landing on my feet. I was literally standing in a puddle of sweat. After this focus we started dancing again and the movements were a lot less aggressive.
In stead of hard, strong, short and linear moves I noticed my movements had shifted to some more flowing moves, softer, longer… At the end we were supposed to dance the Kundalini-moves again but my body was exhausted.
I gave too much during the previous parts. After that we had to lay down and internalize everything that we had felt. Our reply. Ease down again. The Guardian Angel Game. As an extra I gave two extra gifts directly to other participants: A magazine with a bathing suit special for the young boy.
And a gift for the woman with the piercing eyes. For her I composed a packet of 5 gifts. One for each sense.
Chocolates Neuhaus for taste, incense for smell, a CD for hearing, massage oil for touch and candle for sight. For my Guardian Angel I composed a set of things around visual intensity. I wrote a letter on black paper with a yellow marker. But under a blacklight it becomes visible. I added a hint on it by writing the alphabet on it in gold but I wrote the U and the V in yellow marker as well.
Other parts of the gift were a set of photos I took. Some during my world trips, some I took especially for this gift. All of them were things I saw in nature that filled me with awe, warmth or showed me the essence of Tao.
It is a great drawing. The essence of the drawing is in the drawing itself but even more in the words in it and the entire layout of the drawing. He was able to create the figure of a God-person without even including it in the drawing.
The sheer geniality of it. Together with some purple glass stones I put everything in a small, purple with white dots suitcase. Lenore got that gift. Mostly because of the difficult times Lenore and I went through. I regard this puzzle as some sort of wake-up call. Time to start again. When Lenore will leave, Stick My Feelings - Various - For Real Gabbers Only!
(CD) will have plenty of time to start reading again. As always it was very nice and applicable. What the others think of me. We also received a three page document with feedback from others. Apparently every single one likes the fact that I give myself entirely during the lessons. Also they find that I evolved during the lessons. That I showed more of myself. Except for the younger boy who thinks I remained myself.
Maybe I did both? Oh and four out of six comments found the body tapping my moment during the lessons. One valued the time we danced and one though I was good at whirling. The first impressions I gave were: ad rem, positive, bon-vivant, intellectual and at ease.
When asked to describe me in 1 word they answered: reliable, free, positive, tranquil, imaginative and diligent. They think I need these things: positive energy, new impulses, new things, understanding, hugs, a sweet girl friend, a stable person for support and people with depth.
None of them I feel as if they are attacks. Just some gentle advice. But on the last item some of them are plain wrong. Well, it depends on how you look at it. I already have multiple stable persons to lean on. And most of my friends are people with depth. All by all: because of some of the answers I now believe I know the nicknames of all of the participants.
I think I can connect all of them. A combination of things during the lesson, things said after the lesson and some of the answers in the document made me come to this conclusion.
I have no doubt that in a few lessons time, we will have to buy gifts that are more risky. And: Will my Guardian Angel buy some masculine or feminine clothing? Could be the loose, black pants I answered or could have been a nice, light dress. Or a beautiful skirt. Not yet. Not in this way. Maybe if I keep on seeing some of the others, built real friendships, maybe, just maybe I can tell them in the future.
Tags: accusationsangelbody tappingcrossdresscrossdressercrossdressingdanceemotionesotheryfeelingsfire breathingfrustrationgiftguardianintensificationkabbalaLenoresensestheatricaltrancetrance dancetrancedanceungratefulvisual intensitywall Posted in crossdressingfeelingstrance dance Leave a Comment ».
Well, this was part 2 of dance expression. It was a marathon. And personally I think this was the first lesson that every participant was there more than in previous lessons… Maybe at the start there were some reservations, but the flow of the lesson took everyone with it. For me, this was the best lesson together with lesson 3 — Kundalini I have had so far… It was a journey in which I encountered many aspects of myself.
It was meeting long-time friends. At no point in the lesson I was surprised with what I felt. I started the lesson filled with anger because of Lenore see previous post here but the lesson channeled the emotion away from the road to destruction….
The warmup was a lineup of our usual warming up dances. Already I was starting to feel the energy raging through me. Already I could feel this would be an intense lesson. And I was right. Emotional rollercoaster. The real lesson of today was a story, a trip through emotions. A story of how someone gets hurt in life and resurfaces.
And the whole trip I was thinking of my current situation and how I got there. All the way from the start up to the point I am now. Between brackets is the song that was played during that theme. Between two themes there was a small period of quietness to switch off the previous emotion and to prepare for the next.
It felt wonderfull. Rejection beat it : Dance around. As we meet other persons we get rejected sometimes. We get hit in the face. Or we reject other people. And while it hurt being rejected by Lenore in my mind I hated the feel of rejecting other people too. Sadness bad day We are saddened because of the rejection. Inferiority ben ik te min.
When we are hurt by someone we love, we might start thinking where we ourselves went wrong. We might even feel inferior. Why would we have the right over others. During this part I tried to avoid other people in the group during the dance. At this stage I started with this blog. Compare with this entry. Fear — panic fox on the run When we get hurt we try to avoid getting hurt again.
So we become afraid of others. Afraid to let anyone back into our hearts. In this part I increased the getting away from others from just avoiding them to really fleeing them. Protecting myself.
Holding my arms in front of my face as a shield. Why bother opening up to other people if it only brings hurt? See my description here. Lability — inner conflict Wuthering heights After the fear there is chaos… Was I right or wrong? I want to open up again.
Here I imagined what I felt with Lenore a few months ago. I wanted to love her. But I was afraid to be pushed away. This phase of my situation was described herehere and finally here. Injustice judge myself After the lability we are angered by the injustice. Deep inside we are angry. At this stage I was really getting angry.
Or better. The anger inside me was coming out… Read the lyrics I posted here. Anger Noise kick At a certain point the inner anger becomes outer anger. We get raged. At this moment I danced violently to the hardcore music. I was furious. I was hitting the air around me. At a certain point I almost took one of the chairs and threw it across the place.
A perfect example of my anger was described in previous post here. I think this is sort of the stage I am at at this moment in my situation with Lenore… Although I somehow have a feeling that for me, the next five stages are present as well… I guess these stages are not really seperated in me. I think I have a mix of several…. Sorrow Cry Baby Behind the anger there is grief.
We lock everything out and wallow in our sorrow. How it was destructive in stead of creative. Real tears formed in my eyes. It was real! Apathy Zombie To get rid of the sorrow we built a wall around ourselves. At this stage I was fed up with everything… I just took a walk around the place.
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